melancholy foolery

I tend to grieve in reverse, i.e., before the goodbyes. I left Austin recently and it occurred to me that it was my second to last drive home. The next will be the very last. A teacher told my mom in fifth grade that I adapted admirably quickly to changing schools. It's not that I fear the new, necessarily, nor do I think I've lost my adaptability. I'm sure I'll take to Baltimore rather easily. I just already feel homesick for the people I'm leaving behind. Is this how military kids feel?

See. This is foolery, all of it. Look how dramatic I am! Weh weh weh! But maybe it's useful in that I can really focus on my one last month in Austin. And maybe by mourning now I won't feel like a zombie in Baltimore, with my heart left behind. Question: Do zombies have hearts? Honestly, I'm not much of a zombie flick chick.

On a lighter note, we tried to go (or DID go) barhopping in Katy a few nights ago. Aside from a very memorable acoustic rendition of Rihanna's "Umbrella," and some guy named Tim who threw darts at my head, it was ...I have no words, actually. It reaches that point of ridiculousness. Tami says my standards are too high, but in this case I think I'm happy they are. What if Katy bars were all I knew?? The horror! We had fun, of course, but whewwwwww we could have just stayed home to do it.

I seem to be having these "summing up" conversations recently, I guess as a result of not seeing some kids again until who knows when. Robert, Tami and I were talking about relationships. There is some generic saying about how beautiful it is when friends can grow separately without growing apart, or some such. Of course, this is entirely possible. I have experienced it myself. But Robert said something that stuck with me. He said "As soon as you see the other side of the rainbow, it's over. It's like you have to find someone, love them, and hope like hell neither of you ever change."

Those may be two separate thoughts. And neither is always true. But personal experience has shown me that there is a surprising amount of truth in them. It's always amazed me how some people marry the first person they date, or their high school love. Did they really not change, in all that time, or did they change without growing apart? And how did they pull that off? God, I mean, I tried so damn hard, but like my dad said (and I hated him for it at the time), sometimes love isn't enough. He's right. Timing has a hell of a lot to do with everything.

Really, these have been some of the more selfish months of my life. Apparently I still have quite a bit of growing up to do.